So often in our search for intimacy, what we lack in partners we find in our friends.How common is the cliche that a friend disappears upon the beginning of a new relationship, only to reappear weeks, months, or even years later when that relationship ends and they suddenly find themselves in need of emotional comfort.
I’ve always had extremely close, powerful friendships. I tend to water my plants of friendship more than most, and therefore filled many of my social needs through friends during my decade without a partner.
I’m also far too familiar with the loss, the grief that comes with the ending of a friendship. We as a society understand what pain and grief comes along with a breakup, a death, getting fired from a job. We lack concrete language around this indefinite, often inexplicable loss. Our friendships can last our whole lifetimes, far longer than typical romantic relationships. The fights in these friendships are often nebulous, with a lack of clarity on what the future of the friendship will entail, and even if it will exist at all.
Healthy friendships have a natural ebb and flow. Often formed of convenience, a shared educational or work place, or close living quarters. When these shared environments or circumstances end, so often too does the friendship. Stronger bonds hold, but decrease in frequency of attention and communication. These changes are oft so subtle, or so overlooked in regards to overall life changes, that they rarely cause a sharp or sudden pain. These are the people you tend to look back on and think fondly of, that you ought to call, that you follow on social media.
The pain, the grief, comes from a sudden or sharp loss in friendship. A friend you once talked to almost every day is suddenly no longer a major part of your life, nor you theirs. Sometimes there’s an issue that was never addressed, therefore can never be resolved. Sometimes there’s a fight, and words are said (or text) that once spit out can no longer be undone, the friendship is resolute in its conclusion.
These are bonds often formed at pivotal moments in our lives, lasting years, then feel like they’re gone in an instant. After enough time, you forget the pain, but you never forget the loss, the hole missing in your life from a person you once loved so dearly. Unlike a romantic partner, this hole isn’t filled by the next partnership we form, for we are capable of many overlapping friendships, each serving its own beautiful purpose in our life.
Sometimes we simply must learn to move on.
1/19/2023
Account For Me 